Children Breaking Away[i]

Middle School is usually the beginning of breakaway years, when children move from spending most of their time with family members to spending larger chunks of time with their friends.

Many parents find that this switch from family-centered to friend-centered activities happens too quickly, before they are emotionally ready to let go. Some worry about their child’s safety when they are no longer present to intervene if a situation becomes difficult. Some parents feel hurt or experience a sense of loss when their child is no longer interested in doing things with them.

When letting middle-schoolers develop independence, “it helps to really know your child and trust your good parenting,” says author Patty Roth, Ph.D., of Highlands, CA. Author of Enter at Your Own Risk, about parenting middle-schoolers, she suggests you trust that the values and decision-making skills you have spent years helping your child develop will not disappear the moment you are not on the scene.

All malls, skating rinks, bowling alleys and other public places are not equally safe, and neighborhoods that are safe during the day may not be safe at night. Talk to parents of other kids the same age about what they are doing, so that you can support each other’s limits. Know the situation and assess your worries realistically.

Each letting go step with a middle-school child is an important chance for them to develop their own character. Parents can help structure independence so that it comes in small, manageable steps. For instance, go to the mall with your child and their friends, and get to know how these kids act in a group. Next, go to the mall with the group, but once there, separate from them, meeting at an agreed-on time and place. The next time, leave your child and friends at the mall, but ask them to call home to check in midway through the time away. After these experiences, it is a small step for you to let your child go alone.

Feeling shut out or hurt is a common experience. “It signals that a change is coming in the relationship. You need to pay attention to the signal,” says Dr. Roth. When feelings of hurt are strong and persistent, this is an indication that the parent (usually the mother) needs to step back and take a second look at their life. Sometimes a mother is so focused on getting her child to develop her own talents that the mother loses sight of her own talents. This is a good time for the parent to make a special effort to connect with friends, plan a fun project, develop new interests or, as your child may bluntly tell you, “Get a life, mom.”

Children may sense when a parent feels hurt by their need to pull away. “When a child feels responsible for a parent’s hurt feelings, this is too heavy a burden for the child,” says Dr. Roth. Then one of two things happens. Either the child rebels or the child feels responsible and does more and more to make the parent happy, which in the long run is harmful.

Parents are usually eager to share what is happening in their children’s lives, but many middle-schoolers don’t want to talk about what they do with their friends. “Boys especially have less to say about what they have just done. Parents need to respect kids’ privacy. Pushing to know more just creates a tense atmosphere. Sometimes you have to spend a lot of time just being around your child not asking questions before they feel free to open up,” Dr. Roth says.

In the long run, a parent’s job is to let go. Yes, it produces anxiety, and yes, you feel helpless. However, remember to think long-term, and gradually trust your child with more choices and more freedom. Eighteen is not a magical age where children suddenly know how to act like adults. Decision-making skills are learned by practice, and that practice begins in middle school, long before many parents are ready.

If you feel you could use further assistance with stress related to child-rearing issues, please give your GHE HealthCare, Inc. counselor a call at 866/443-3277.

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[i] Letting Go: Are You Ready for Your Child’s First Trip to the Mall Alone? Washington Parent, July 2002, 38