Understanding the Cycle of Violence[i]

Following is a description of the three steps in the cycle.

Tension-Building Phase

The tension-building phase may last a week, months, or even years. However, once the cycle of violence begins, it will usually occur more frequently. The tension-building phase is characterized by increased emotional abuse, and a feeling of threat or intimidation.

It may include minor physical abuse like slapping or pushing. Victims feel tense and afraid and often describe it as “walking on eggshells”. Victims learn to recognize these signs and may try to avoid or deflect the abuser’s anger by becoming more compliant. Sometimes, they may even provoke the abuser in order to break the tension and the abuse over with.

Serious Battering Phase
This phase is characterized by a violent episode that may involve physical and/or sexual abuse, property destruction, and heightened emotional abuse. Children and pets may also become victims. Initially, minimal levels of violence may be sufficient to frighten the victim. As times goes on, the abuser will usually use more severe forms of abuse to maintain control. In some instances, other methods of exercising power and control are so effective that physical abuse is unnecessary. In relationships where there is no physical abuse, victims may believe they are not in abusive relationships.

Honeymoon Phase

This is where the relationship begins. Violent relationships may begin very romantically. They are quick, intense, and seductive. The victim frequently looks back at this happy, loving time, hoping that the abuse will end and that the relationship will be like it was at the beginning. This phase is what perpetuates the relationship.

After violence occurs, this is a period of apologies, gifts, and promises that the abuse will never occur again and that the abuser will change. Both minimize and rationalize the behavior and the seriousness of the injuries. This can also be a time of renewed courtship, romance, and sexual intimacy.

Where to get help:

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1(800)799-SAFE (7233)

1(800)787-3224 (For the hearing-impaired)

Also, for further assistance, see other related topics. If you would like to speak with someone from the EAP, call our toll free 24-hour hotline at:

1(866) 443-3277

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[i] It Shouldn’t Hurt to Go Home, The Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence, May 1999 6