Self-Defeating Behavior

Freud spoke of the "success neuroses" consisting of four motives: a need to achieve, a fear of success, a fear of failure, and a desire to fail. The fear of failure can cause us to be nervous (and not do well) or to give up; it can also cause us to work very hard, just like the need to achieve.

Clinicians frequently see people who have an acceptable record in school or on the job and are ready to graduate or be promoted but then they mess it up or drop out. Carl Menninger (1956) wrote a book, Man Against Himself, about such self-defeating behavior. Cudney (1981) suggests that self-defeating behavior is caused by our reluctance to face reality. By failing (while pretending to be trying to succeed) we deny our responsibility for what is happening. That way our goof-ups can continue but "they aren't my fault."

If you are working on a task you really don't want to do (e.g. a college major that was pushed on you by a parent), it seems plausible that your resentment might result in your failing. Failure can serve other purposes: keep you dependent, get sympathy, frustrate or disappoint others, and confirm your belief that you aren't any good at ______.

Because we try to hide our self-doubts, it is not easy to tell what others feel or even what we feel. Indeed, feelings of adequacy and inadequacy may co-exist or change frequently. Gilmer (1975) lists six signs of inferiority:

(1) over-reaction to criticism,

(2) tendency to feel criticized,

(3) avoidance of others,

(4) an excessively positive response to flattery,

(5) inability to lose graciously, and

(6) urges to put down others.

Perhaps these will help you identify your feeling more clearly. A hallmark of depression is pessimism and self-criticism. If you expect to fail, that increases the chances you will fail or not even try. But the depressed person's self-appraisals are frequently too low. They were found in one study of problem-solving ability (dealing with interpersonal, I intrapersonal, and emotional problems) to be more capable than they think they are and just as capable as nondepressed people (Blankstein, Flett, & Johnston, 1992). So, honestly testing their abilities may remove unhealthy doubts.

If there are reasons to believe you are too self-critical, avoiding success, or seeking failure, surely understanding your underlying needs and false assumptions (usually the need to hurt yourself or others) would be helpful. Talk to a friend or a counselor about what might be "going on inside you."

If you desire further information, please contact the EAP at 866/443-3277. You may also want to read the associated articles.