Failure And Disappointment

The world is filled with obstacles and critics. When we try and fail, we feel sad. Failure is often a defeat--a loss of status in the eyes of others and/or a loss of a wish or self-respect. The more involved we are, the more bitter the loss. Generally speaking, if you don't try, you can't be defeated or feel defeated--you haven't played the game. Also, any life challenge or test has to be reasonable before we feel like a failure, For example, most of us could fail a test in advanced calculus today and say, "So what?" It isn't reasonable to expect us to know calculus without the course.

Disappointment means falling short of achieving one's goals or wishes. This is clarified by William James's 1890 formula:

Happiness = Accomplishments

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Expectations

If you get about what you expected, that is, accomplishments equal expectations, you will be happy. But the formula also suggests that unhappiness may result in two ways: (l) failing to reach reasonable goals (accomplishments) or (2) setting unreasonable, impossible goals (expectations). The latter is a complex problem. Our society encourages aiming high--"try to be the best." Many people want to be better than average, certainly not be "below average." Yet, by the nature of mathematics, exactly half of us must be below average in intelligence, looks, and income as well as height. No wonder some of us "below average" people withdraw from the competitive "rat race."

Sometimes it's wise to lower our expectations and avoid unreasonable demands, but when? It isn't a simple matter of lowering our sights so we never fail and, consequently, become blissfully happy. First, some accomplishments (relative to your potential) are necessary for self-esteem

Second, some people take satisfaction from having a dream--some inspiration--and striving for it day by day, even though they never reach their goal. Others have a lofty dream--being president, an astronaut, a professional athlete--but neglect the detailed, daily work of accomplishing that dream. Having the dream provides some payoffs. Dreamers run the risk of being disappointed and self-critical later.

Fred Astaire was told "he can only dance a little;" Beethoven--"hopeless as a composer;" Caruso--"he can't sing;" Disney--"has no ideas." Great talent may often go unrecognized.

Other people have argued that the focus of James' formula, happiness, is of secondary importance. Garcia (1971) contends that happiness should not be life's main goal. He claims accomplishments--seeking knowledge or helping others--are far more important goals and more realistically satisfying in the long run than happiness. Fourth, the facts are that some unhappy people have given the world great accomplishments--Lincoln, Gandhi, Goethe, Luther, Van Gogh, Mark Twain, Beethoven, Michelangelo, and many others. If they had to choose between happiness and the accomplishments they gave us, which do you think they would choose?

If you have feelings of failure or disappointment that are interfering with your life, consider contacting your EAP counselor at 866/443-3277.