Hidden Anger

Passive Aggression

Anger is frequently a concealed or disguised emotion. And why not? Getting mad is scary... and potentially dangerous. One common way of expressing suppressed anger has been given a special name: passive-aggressiveness. It is releasing your anger by being passive or subtly oppositional. For example, such a person may be "tired," unresponsive, act like he/she "doesn't understand," be late frequently, exaggerate others' faults, pretend to agree ("sure, whatever"), be tearful, be argumentative, be forgetful, deny anger ("nothing's wrong"), procrastinate, and frequently be clumsy or sick.

Being a Victim

There is another related form of concealed anger: feeling like a victim. Feeling victimized assumes that someone or some situation has mistreated you. But a person who specializes in constantly feeling like a victim may not identify or accuse his/her abuser. Instead, he/she generally feels that the world is against him/her, that others vaguely intend to make him/her miserable.

Victims usually feel helpless; therefore, they take little responsibility for what has happened to them. They think they were terribly mistreated in the past but they now seem unable to accept love and support, e.g. if you offer them help, they never get enough or if you try to cheer them up, it seldom works.

A victim is much more likely to sulk, pout, look unhappy, or lay a guilt trip on something than to get angry. "Why does it always happen to me?" or "Yes, but" (no one's ideas or suggestions will do any good). The self-pitying, pessimistic, sad, jealous victim is surely sitting on a mass of hostility. Both the passive-aggressive and the victim are likely to be aware of their anger, even though it is largely denied.

There are so many frustrations in our daily lives, one could easily become chronically irritated. Perhaps more important than the variety of things that anger us, is (1) the intensity of our anger and (2) the degree of control we have over our anger. That is, how close are we to losing control?

How much of a temper do you have? Ask yourself these kind of questions:
Do you have a quick or a hot temper? Do you suppress or hide your anger (passive-aggressive or victim)?
Do you get irritated when someone gets in your way? fails to give you credit for your work? criticizes your looks or opinions or work? gives themselves advantages over you?
Do you get angry at yourself when you make a foolish mistake? do poorly in front of others? put off important things? do something against your morals or better judgment?
Do you drink alcohol or use drugs? Do you get angry or mellow when you are high? Research clearly shows that alcohol and drugs are linked with aggression. Drinking decreases our judgment and increases our impulsiveness.
You probably have a pretty accurate picture of your temper. But check your opinion against the opinion of you held by relatives and friends.