Recognizing Anger

We know when we are very mad, but anger and aggression come in many forms, some quite subtle. This list of behaviors and verbal comments said to others or only thought to ourselves may help you uncover some resentments you were not aware of:

Direct behavioral signs:

Assaultive: physical and verbal cruelty, rage, slapping, shoving, kicking, hitting, threaten with a knife or gun, etc.
Aggression: overly critical, fault finding, name-calling, accusing someone of having immoral or despicable traits or motives, nagging, whining, sarcasm, prejudice, flashes of temper.
Hurtful: malicious gossip, stealing, trouble-making.
Rebellious: anti-social behavior, open defiance, refusal to talk.

Direct verbal or cognitive signs:

Open hatred and insults: "I hate your guts;" "I'm really mad;" "You're so stupid."
Contempt and disgust: "You're a selfish SOB;" "You are a spineless wimp, you'll never amount to anything."
Critical: "If you really cared about me, you'd...;" "You can't trust _______."
Suspicious: "You haven't been fair;" "You cheated!"
Blaming: "They have been trying to cause me trouble." I don't get the respect I deserve: They just don't respect the owner (or boss or teacher or doctor) any more."
Revengeful: "I wish I could really hurt him."
Name calling: "Guys are jerks;" "Women are fickle;" "Politicians are self-serving liars."
Less intense but clear: "Well, I'm a little annoyed;" "I'm fed up with...;" "I've had it!" You're a pain." "I don't want to be around you."

Thinly veiled behavioral signs:

Distrustful, skeptical.
Argumentative, irritable, indirectly challenging.
Resentful, jealous, envious.
Disruptive, uncooperative, or distracting actions.
Unforgiving or unsympathetic attitude.
Sulky, sullen, pouting.
Passively resistant, interferes with progress.
Given to sarcasm, cynical humor, and teasing.
Judgmental, has a superior or holier-than-thou attitude.

Thinly veiled verbal signs:

"No, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed, annoyed, disgusted, put out, or irritated."
"You don't know what you are talking about;" "Don't make me laugh."
"Don't push me, I'll do it when I get good and ready."
"Well, they aren't my kind of people."
"Would you buy a used car from him?"
"You could improve on..."
"Unlike Social Work, my major admits only the best students."

Indirect behavioral signs:

Withdrawal: quiet remoteness, silence, little communication especially about feelings.

Psychosomatic disorders: tiredness, anxiety, high blood pressure, heart disease.

Depression and guilt.

Serious mental illness: paranoid schizophrenia.

Accident-proneness and self-defeating or addictive behavior, such as drinking, over-eating, or drugs.

Vigorous, distracting activity (exercising or cleaning).

Excessively submissive, deferring behavior.

Crying.

Indirect verbal signs:

"I just don't want to talk."

"I'm disappointed in our relationship."

"I feel bad all the time."

"If you had just lost some weight."

"I'm really swamped with work, can't we do something about it?"

"Why does this always happen to me?"

"No, I'm not angry about anything--I just cry all the time."