Helping Your Children to Learn Tolerance[1]

Tolerance is the ability to accept the differences between yourself and others, whether there are differences in race, religion, ethnicity, sex, age, lifestyle or ability. When children appreciate diversity, they consider new ideas and opinions, question and act upon inconsiderate behavior.

Children first experience empathy when they imagine themselves in someone else’s shoes. Once they feel compassion, children can offer help or consolation, act with kindness, and put other’s needs before their own.

Children Today
Almost everyday, we read about hate crimes and violent acts committed by children against their peers. The New York Times Magazine recently printed a cover story about the new generation of “Mean Girls.” According to the article, many preteen and teenage girls are among the new crop of bullies who gossip, form cliques, exclude others, spread rumors, and develop scornful attitudes towards other girls - even their “best friends.”

Researchers have cited the lack of positive role models, close family relationships,

and adequate supervision as possible contributors to antisocial behavior in general.

Teaching future generations compassion can lead to a more peaceful world. When children are taught tolerance and empathy, they are more likely to become responsible citizens capable of living cooperatively in our diverse society. Above all, respecting others makes children feel good about themselves. And they learn to appreciate their role in the world.

While children have the capacity to learn tolerance and empathy, teaching is essential -- the seeds must be nurtured to grow. Peers, teachers, and community leaders can help. However, experts agree: parents have the most profound influence. Put simply, children emulate their parents. Before teaching your children compassion, it’s important to consider your own habits. Listen to the way you address people in everyday life. Examine how you feel about others.

Getting Started
1. Prepare for the long haul. Character building takes time. It’s important to make a long-term commitment.

2. Start teaching early. Even babies display empathy. Research confirms that a loving, trusting relationship between babies and parents paves the way towards good relationships between children and others.

3. Talk daily. When children develop insights about themselves and others, it’s more likely they will become compassionate adults. Help them to understand the cause and effect of their words and actions: both good and bad. Share daily experiences and stories about people helping others; examine the emotions displayed in photographs and read stories from newspapers and magazines; discuss how to tell what people are feeling. Explore what your children want to be when they grow up. Talk about how most jobs require working together and helping others in order to fulfill tasks. Don’t focus on the material aspects. Instead, discuss the emotional benefits of working as a team.

When you send your children off to school, social activities and other events, remind them to pay attention to people’s feelings. Make family discussions fun. Lively dinnertime debates can encourage tolerance. Try to guess each other’s emotions. Challenge family members to discover their similarities and differences. Always keep your child’s age, communication skills, and comprehension level in mind. Don’t forget to set the same rules for boys and girls.

4. Help children understand their feelings. Studies show that children who are in touch with their own feelings can recognize similar feelings in others.

5. Teach children about their history. When you discuss your family’s background and heritage, children learn to appreciate the importance of diversity and culture.

6. Become a good listener. When you listen to your children, you show that you respect their opinions. And you assume mutual respect in return. You’ll inspire them to listen to others by setting an example in your own home. You’ll also encourage open communication, assuring your children that they can come to you with their problems.

7. Set ground rules. Ask for your children’s input about rules, but make sure they know how and why you expect them to be caring and tolerant. Don’t permit discriminatory comments. Always clarify the consequences of unacceptable behavior. Monitor and set limits on outside influences -- television, music, the Internet, videos, books, and the like.

8. Actions speak louder than words. Albert Schweitzer, who received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1952 for his charitable works, proposed three ways for parents to teach their children: “The first is by example. The second is by example. The third is by example.” In other words, practice what you preach. Allow your children to witness your kind acts towards others. Likewise, be aware of what you say because your children could be listening. When you’re sorry, say so -- your children will be more comfortable admitting their own mistakes.

9. Expose your children to diversity. Talking is not enough. To avoid developing prejudices and misguided fears, children need to be familiar with all people. Notice people wherever you go. Point out biases whenever you see them. Take your children to museums, cultural festivals, and different neighborhoods --anywhere they can see how various people live, work, and play together. Encourage play dates with children from different cultures and backgrounds. Buy a range of books, toys, and other media that help to provide positive images of people from all over the world.

10. Living what they’ve learned. Your children will learn to be compassionate through life experience. Their values will be challenged everyday, whether it’s at home or in school. They’ll make use of what they’ve learned by refusing to make fun of the new kid in class. They may consider their sister’s “side of the story” after a debate or refuse to forward an e-mail that contains demeaning jokes. If your child is the unfortunate target of cruelty, assure your child that he or she is not to blame. Also use this as an opportunity to help your child develop compassion, rather than hate, toward the individual causing

the problem.

Participate in activities that encourage your children to act with kindness. Again, these activities allow them to practice what they’ve learned. As long as the activity is safe and age appropriate, don’t shelter your children. Ask them to come up with creative ways to help others. Point out that even little things can make a difference. With experience, your children will see how kindness can be seamlessly woven into everyday life.

As parents, we are concerned with the influential role choices and consequences play in our children’s lives and in their futures. We want our children to make good choices. And at the same time, we want them to understand that choices lead to consequences - both good and bad.

The opportunities to help others are endless. Perhaps it’s baking brownies to welcome a new neighbor, making a card for a sick friend, or cooking for a homeless shelter. It could even be as simple as a smile. Whatever you do, your child will learn the importance of compassion, and its ability to make them feel good about themselves.

Let real life examples be your guide, too. Consider a special sixth-grader named Alex, whose knotted waist-length hair could only be repaired by cutting it off. Alex transformed her own loss into another’s gain by donating her hair to Locks of Love, a non-profit organization that helps children suffering from hair loss.

11. Praise your children’s efforts. Children need to feel appreciated and noticed. Tell them when they’ve made a difference. Praise reinforces positive behavior. Hug them and tell them how special they are! And also remember to hug them when they fail. A positive reaction from you increases the likelihood your children won’t get angry with others. Talk about what went wrong, how the person they hurt might have felt, and what they can do to make amends.

• Don’t worry. Character building takes time. Your children will make mistakes, but they’ll learn from them, too.

• Don’t feel guilty about your own mistakes. You can learn from them and move forward.

• Don’t give your children everything; maybe they’re the center of your universe, but they shouldn’t be the center of their own.

• Don’t be embarrassed to seek help if you need it.

• Don’t entrust your responsibility to anyone else. Make sure your caregiver continues teaching these important lessons while you’re away.

There’s a timeless song from the musical South Pacific that goes: “You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear. You’ve got to be carefully taught....” Your most important job is to help build the foundation that will make your children tolerant, caring adults -- a goal more worth while than achieving high academic marks, popularity or awards.

If you need additional assistance, contact GHE HealthCare, Inc at 866/443-3277.

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[1] Viewpoints on Parenting Magazine, Vol. 4, No. 2, p 1. Also available on http://www.viewpointsonparenting.com, from Toys R Us